Deadpool: Awkward Passion
[Previously on Deadpool! After the massacre that took place at the ‘Disgruntled Jarvis’, a rough undercover cop named ‘Alex Gauss’ tells Deadpool that he is in the middle of a larger-than-life gang war! With not much time left, will Deadpool and Alex manage to succeed with their plan?! Probably not!]
Going through the luxurious hallway of Rob’s compound really makes me flutter due to all the ‘red’ paint. Hm, I wonder why.
However the color coordination of this hallway is not the reason I’m here, because I’m actually getting a raise! Wink, wink. Along with the fact that I’m being escorted by not only Rodrigo, but also…”My good ol’ pal Pete! How’s it hanging?”
“So how’s the-“
“I said good.” He said with an assertive point on top of that. Afterward Pete just kept silent and moved along with the rest of us, like a golem that didn’t drink its morning mineral latte.
Rodrigo turns to me and says, “Hey, don’t worry about it. Pete’s just shy to newcomers.”
“I think Pete’s got a rusty key in his ignition starter, if you know what I mean.”
“Trust me, the big man will warm up to you in no time. Although next time, you might want to communicate with him before you plan on making, eh, any ‘hasty’ decisions.”
“I’m not so sure, if he can’t fetch me my lunch then what use is he to me?”
“Just be nice and you two will get along.”
“Whatever, are we there yet?”
“No, believe it or not the boss loves his extended hallways and floors.”
“You know…there’s a reason why we have elevators.” For the past seven minutes, I was just looking at hallway after hallway of nothing but “Robsessions” pictures and portraits just stamped on the walls. Pft, who does that anyway? Egomaniacs.
Finally we reach the main office, “Great Baldur, was that a trip!”
Rodrigo leans in closer to me and says, “Please be quiet here while I talk to the boss, okay?”
“Sure. Tell him that the Aven…”
“What was that?”
“Uh, the ‘Avenged’ look on these paintings are pretty cool.”
“Okay…wait here.” Rodrigo proceeds inside the office while me and Pete just stand in the hallway looking at the paintings and décor. I wanted to glimpse over at Pete to see if he was still upset, but I didn’t since a large fist would appear out of nowhere and hit me if that were to happen. Not that I don’t like a fight, I just want to be as professional as possible. Which believe it or not, is really difficult for me!
Suddenly I hear yelling inside the office through the large wooden door, it was pretty intense. But if I had to make it out, I would assume it was, “Rabble, rabble, you, rabble, piece, rabble, of, rabble, shroom?” It was hard to make out what was going on.
The wait continues, until Rodrigo opens the door to let…that ‘Human Resource Management Official’ who cut the ribbon that day out! The weasel-like official rushed past me, sweating more than a bucket of ice in a hot summer. Rodrigo signals for me to come inside. Pete surprisingly opens the door for me, and I went through with a nod.
Still no reply from Pete.
I finally gaze into Rob’s main office, and boy was it huge! Although a good 40% of it was covered in darkness, possibly to coat up all his ‘obsessive hobbies’, and a lot of large windows as well. I look around for a bit and then centered my eyes on Rob himself, partly covered in the room’s darkness. Although from what I can see, he had quite an intimidating jawline and brows the size of my fist. He also had several gold rings on both his hands and had a scar running down his right cheek, once again, nothing shady about that!
Rob’s eyes gleam the closer I move in front of him, while Rodrigo just stands by him looking somewhat worried. I would be too if my boss was a living anvil. I continue to speak, “Hello sir! How are you-“
“Enough!” Rob aggressively says. “I know who you are.”
“Yes, in fact I was the one who told Rodrigo of your famous escape from ‘Weapon X’.”
I froze in silence, not knowing what to say. “You think you can just barge into this city, my city, and expect to be supreme ruler by saying a couple of sarcastic quips?” I continue to remain silent. “Hm, why am I not surprised that I finally shut that mouth of yours, Deadpool?”
He gets up and grabs the nearest vodka bottle and pours a shot into his pristine Captain America glass cup. “Sorry if things got a little ugly there pal, heh heh.” He downs a shot of vodka.
Meanwhile, fake-out! “[cough] Your face seems ugly [cough].” Rob then looks back at me with a shocked expression, while I just stand there kicking my feet and whistling. Aren’t I a rascal?
“What was that?!”
“Nothing, so how’s the virginity?”
“You want to do this?! Huh?!” Rob sets down his glass and quickly walks toward me, then Rodrigo intervenes and attempts to prevent Rob from engaging in a fight.
“Look boss, the guy’s a jokester! That’s what he does, come on!”
“No! Spider-Man’s a jokester; this guy is an irritating douchebag!”
I adorably press my right finger against my left cheek and say, “Oh jeez…that’s not what I would say!” Rob continues to get fired up, but cools down right before he can deliver a punch to my irresistible face.
“Boss, don’t worry we can trust this guy.”
Rob looks at Rodrigo with a look that can only mean one thing: ‘if you betray my trust, I’ll kill you’. “Okay, I’m cool. But listen ya red freak, if you expect me to trust you I want you to prove yourself.”
“Actually I do have a way of proving my trust to you.”
Rob is slightly stunned, “Huh, what is it?”
“I captured a Patriot Lad!” Rodrigo gets gleeful and looks back at Rob, proving to him that they totally trust me. Except not really!
“So Deadpool my man, where did you stash him? Just curious?”
“Oh he’s in my vault.”
“Your vault?” Replied Rob.
“Yeah, I kept him in there for several hours now! I’m sure he’s probably dead due to oxygen shortage.”
Robert loudly interrupts, “No! We need him for questioning!”
“Why is that?” Said Rodrigo, curiously.
“Because not only are we on the verge of wiping out the entirety of those idiots, but most of the time they’re very easy to interrogate for information.”
I sincerely grab Rob’s right shoulder and say, “Don’t worry sir, I’ll get him this very second.”
“Good, you know you may have a chance at getting a promotion here pal.”
“Please sir, just call me ‘Deadpool the Loyalist’.” I then bowed in front of him and then dashed off! Dashing from corner to corner, from weird painting to weird painting, stairs after stairs, and finally reaching the entrance!
I ultimately arrive at the alley near Rob’s hideout. I look in the dumpster, past several trash bags I pull out a vault. Suddenly someone appears out of the shadows, it’s Chin-Man, also known as Alex wearing a bullet proof vest and carrying an assault rifle with an attached silencer. He walks toward me and sets down my duffle bag near the vault.
“Hey, you ready yet?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean?”
“The vault is too obvious, plus you’re no good to me as a rotting carcass once they see you.”
“Good point, well we need to think of something fast.”
“Come to think of it, this plan was pretty stupid.”
“Well that’s pretty rare coming from you.”
“But the thing is I don’t want it to be stupid! Argh, if only I had two vaults!” Suddenly a light bulb appeared over my head, I blame the drugs. “Actually we probably don’t need an extra vault.”
“Well what do we need? Because I’m sure as hell ready!”
I look over at Alex with a large grin on my face, luckily Alex can’t see my delightful expression. “Hey Alex, how do you feel about instant cargo transportation?”
I whisper my plan to Alex’s left ear, sorry folks but I prefer to keep this plan as a surprise! So eventually I venture up the stairs, through the hallways, while carrying both my vault and my duffle bag. Luckily Pete and Rodrigo were willing to help out, well, at least Rodrigo seems optimistic about helping me out. Lastly we reach the main office, despite the stench that came from the vault we still decided to move it on top of Rob’s desk.
“Just open the damn vault already.” Says Rob as he preps himself with a large double barreled shotgun. Seriously where does he think he is? Minnesota?
“By the way I brought some ammunition with me.”
“We don’t need ammunition, Rodrigo just needs the code.”
“No you don’t understand, we may have to arm up in case other people show up.” Rob gets upset and grabs my shirt, which I just got done cleaning at the Laundromat!
“What do you mean ‘other people’?!” He says gripping my suit collar.
“First off, wrinkling my suave-ass costume ain’t gonna do you any good. Second, this man is wanted by the Iron-Misfits for the same reason we need him. I-N-F-O’-M-A-T-I-O-N!”
Rodrigo chimes in, “Boss, he’s right. We need to act fast here.”
Rob let’s go of my pristine outfit and shakes his head, “Fine, hurry and bring your supplies over here.”
“On my way!” Without giving them any hints as to what type of ammunition I had, I carry in my duffle bag silently and position it near the coffee table.
I peek inside, to see if I got everything. Check. I then look around to see if Rob and Rodrigo are busy. Check. And finally I digest an energy drink, which is also lemon flavored so check there!
Rodrigo examines the keypad. He turns back at me to say, “Hey, what’s the password?”
“Check.” Said Rodrigo as he types in the code.
Looking back at the bag, I slowly start unzipping. “a-n-d,”
“Got it. Continue.”
Finally the bag is unzipped. I look back at Rodrigo and Rob to see if they’re paying attention. Rodrigo is busy typing in the code while Rob looks mildly drunk, staring at the bottom of his glass. “h-o-p-e,” the code is entered then the vault finally opens and it’s empty!
Alex leaps out from the duffle bag, carrying his assault rifle. While I deliver an excellent quip, “H-O-P-E that you brought some spare coffins with ya! Because I can’t count!”
Rob whips out his gun. “Yep, I knew it.” Then shoots Rodrigo in the head, body dropping real fast to the floor. I’m not gonna lie, I kind of miss the guy, especially since he said he’d offer me free women that one day. Aside from my small moment of unutilized mercy, me and Alex were ready!
“Phew, took you long enough!” Said Alex, sweating like a monkey.
“Well maybe if you lost some weight, then I wouldn’t have any problems carrying you through these epic hallways!”
“Well don’t you sound like a certain ex-wife of mine, also was that last sentence suppose to insult me?”
“Somewhat, but it was mostly meant to insult this fanboy over here.” Both me and Alex target Rob, with Alex wielding his assault rifle, and I display my uber-awesome Uzi’s.
Rob throws away his glass cup on the floor, shattering it into small pieces. Man, it must suck to be the janitor for this building!
I immediately got upset at the broken glass, and stare dead-on at Rob. “[gasp] You just threw a good Captain America memorabilia on the floor! You monster, I will kill you!”
“You might want to be on the lookout for Pete.”
“Pete?! Pft, what’s he gonna bring? My late taco’s?!”
“No, my fists!”
“What?!” Out of nowhere, Pete bulrushes and punches me to the ground. Causing me to drop my Uzi’s and to continue losing my dignity. I try to work in a few words though, “Alex – [punch] – focus – [punch] – on – [punch] – Rob!” Listening to my wise words, Alex takes cover behind a piece of expensive sofa and shoots Rob from that angle. Meanwhile Rob on the other hand finds cover behind a large Captain America souvenir shield near his deck.
I continue to get the second worst beating of my life, until I see the remaining pieces of shattered glass just a few inches away from me. I quickly grab a piece and proceed to stab Pete in his right, humongous, arm. It works!
I quickly escape from the grasps of Pete’s ‘choking’ hands, avoid gunfire, and close the doors.
“What are you doing?!” Said Alex.
“Uh…something.” I lift up my shirt, and look at a small bump on the bottom right side of my torso. Luckily, Rob and Pete were too busy with their current problems. The stitches were clearly wide enough for me to open it up. Then suddenly, shotgun fire came my way.
“Dammit, stop that Rob!” Alex manages to pick up my slack and focuses on both of them, with a tight grip on his rifle. Pete hides behind a pinball machine, carrying only a small pistol.
I hurry, look back at the lump, and slowly take out the stitches. Finally with the knife from my belt, I slice it open, causing an unnecessary amount of blood to pour from my abdomen. I finally see it, a spare time-bomb I stole from the weapon practice facility over at the ‘Weapon X’ corp.!
The bomb easily falls out from between the flaps of decaying flesh, but I manage to catch it anyway. Oh, and did I mention that this hurts like hell? With the bomb in my hand I then attempt to try and attain attention.
“Excuse me folks, but there appears to be a ‘bomb’ in my hands!” Rob, Pete, and Alex look at me in suspense. Although I stride myself in pride, dexterity…and continuous bleeding. “Now in case you people didn’t know, which is 100% of you, this is no ordinary bomb. No, this is a top-notch, sleek, spec-ops line of quality explosive device.”
I would wink back at Alex, but I think Pete kind of broke my left eye. As I give my profound speech, I march near the front of the desk, sitting on it. I mess around with several of Rob’s toys, a She-Hulk figurine, an Iron-Man pen, and a snowglobe containing the HQ of the Avengers.
“As I have noticed around this room, there are a ton of Avengers memorabilia. Some of which I never seen before, like that Wasp pinball machine right there in the top right corner of this room or that Thor novel just sitting on that book shelf right next to you Alex.”
I nod my head at Rob, who looks nervous. “So Robert Polo, or as they call you ‘Robsession’…actually that does sound stupid. I’m gonna just call you Rob if you don’t mind, but anyway who was your favorite Avengers member?” Rob grows nervous and slightly angry at the same time.
“Was it Thor? No way, his hair is too pretty. Or how about Iron-Man? Don’t think so, too drunk and rich to be relatable…at least for you. Or what about Hank Pym – pft, hahahahaha!!!”
Rob grows angrier each time I open my mouth, boy does this feel great. I finally open up his desk and see a picture of what appears to be…”Captain America, seems pretty important huh?”
“More important than you’ll ever know you dimwit.”
“You know when I think of Captain America not only do I think of that awesome shield he had, but I also think of that time where he took a stand and led his team. Like a beautiful ribbon on a bouquet, he was even an inspiration if you think about.” Suddenly the anger disappeared off of Rob’s face, he appears to be mellowed out.
“An inspiration enough for someone to form their own Avengers! Unfortunately, that’s…not always the case. Is it, ‘Senor Polo’?”
Rob gets up from the floor slowly and drops his gun. He maintains a postulated complex and then begins to talk, “I originally wanted to start up my own crime fighting gang, I wanted to be just like them. But instead things quickly escalated and money became a factor…so we stole, committed illegal acts, and even vandalized property to reach our goals.”
“To be the next Avengers.” I show him a picture of himself standing next to Captain America near Coney Island, the photo looked slightly old.
“Captain America was always a hero to me, back when I was even in elementary school where I was taught about his war stories, but that day when he came back… gave me hope. I’ll never forget that.”
“Do you regret what you did?”
“Yes, I even admit that my so-called…[sigh] obsessions got the better of me. I influenced, corrupted, all my henchmen to think just like I did. That’s what happened to the Iron Misfits and the Patriot Lads, and don’t even get me started about the Patriot Lads.” I lower the bomb slowly. “But I can’t quit now. And let me tell you something, you’re gonna get more honesty out of me than with that dirtbag over there.” Rob points at Alex, who still looks very surprised.
“Alright, sadly this didn’t turn out to be the blood-sport like I was hoping for it to be. However on the other hand, can I get a little ‘green’ on the side?”
“Fine.” He whips out a checkbook and starts writing. I walk over to Rob, but realize that the palm in which I was holding the bomb got a little too slippery.
The bomb then drops out of my palm and lands on the floor, setting off the timer by accident. I look at the screen to see that the countdown had started at 10 seconds, kids this is why you always set your countdown to at least 1-3 minutes.
I quickly reacted by running over to Alex, grabbing him, and bursting through the window with me taking up most of the glass shards in my back.
“KABOOM!” The explosion goes off, and the force of the explosion pushes us over to the building’s roof next door. Good news was that we were still alive, bad news was that Alex landed on my colon. I really need to stop letting that happen. The injuries really start to set in as I roll around the roof for a bit in a fetal position, fortunately Alex picked me up and dragged me over to the stairwell.
Sometimes the best solution to dealing with a problem is the last thing you would expect, and high-grade explosives. Put that quote in a book!